Other variations of this query:
“What are you up to nowadays?”
“What are your plans for the future?”
“Is this an annoying question?” (When you put it that way….yes.)
“But seriously, what are you doing with your life?”
You’ve all been asking. Finally, I have some answers. So the next time you consider posing this question to me or to any other recent college grad/current senior, here’s some advice: Don’t. Instead, simply consult this helpful list of potential replies. Choose your favorite answer and commence seething with jealousy as you imagine my unconventionally fascinating life.
Let’s try it out!
You: “Hey, what are you doing after graduation?”
1. If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
2. Becoming a consulting detective. The only one in the world.
3. On that note, conducting frame-by-frame analyses of Sherlock while writing up philosophical treatises on the show’s characters counts as a “job,” right?
4. Training to be a ninja in the remote Akaishi mountain range.
5. Graduation? I’m still waiting for my Hogwarts letter…
6. Patenting perforated hockey tape so players don’t have to carry around scissors or totally ruin their teeth trying to tear traditional hockey tape.
7. I’m already well on my way to becoming a professional wedding guest.
8. Official Puppy Snuggler!
9. I find writing cover letters to be very life-affirming. I think I’ll do this indefinitely.
10. Me? Nah, let’s talk about—Look, it’s Superman!
11. Moving to Israel to organize and play for the Israeli women’s national hockey team in the 2018 Olympics.
12. I’m hoping to pull a Tilda Swinton and sleep in a glass box on display at the MOMA for money and art and also money.
13. Pie-eating contest judge.
14. Perennial “Bing vs. Google Challenge” participant.
15. Researcher in the “Tootsie Roll Licks” department.
16. Discovering and then memorizing every digit of Pi.
17. Simply walking into Mordor.
18. Proving the existence of Blibbering Humdingers and Wrackspurts.
19. Heading the Atlantis search-and-rescue team.
20. Saving the world from the Kragle.
21. Taking over for Hermione as head of S.P.E.W.
22. Working on a film/television set as the person in charge of creating fictional languages.
23. Testing mattresses at Sleepy’s.
24. Building ice castles in the mountains of an obscure Scandinavian country with the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
25. Border control security at Area 51.
26. Squatting in the local library until I’ve read every single book in the building.
27. Warming beds at the Four Seasons by sleeping in every room.
28. Dogsledding across Antarctica.
29. Experimenting with different flavors of ice cream in the hopes of developing the next great Ben & Jerry’s flavor.
31. Exotic dancing.
32. Captaining the Black Pearl across the seven seas.
33. Coordinating staff activities at the Google offices.
34. Testing water slides for levels of fun and safety.
35. I plan on being paid to participate in the college psych studies for the rest of my life.
36. Sleeping in a cryo-chamber until Ryan Callahan is back on the New York Rangers.
37. Eating, Praying, Loving.
38. Participating in dance-offs across the country.
39. Scuba diving for treasure in the Bermuda Triangle.
40. Going to grad school. At the Jedi Knight Training Academy.
42. Searching for the meaning of life.
…and what might you be up to these days?